Why her?
by HanaTohruShipperMorgan
Summary: HanaTohru one sided shoujo ai. Sadder than my first fic. Rated PG13 for a reason. Warning: contains mature themes. You have been warned. COMPLETE! Please read the Author's Note at the end!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Furuba.

I was sitting at my desk in my room, staring off into space, wondering why I had felt such peculiar waves, when she called and told me. It seems like an eternity ago now, but it was really just a few months ago.

I refuse to speak about it with her. I will not call back those horrible memories any more than necessary.

She is still there, near to him, too near to him, and I can't control it. If I speak out, she will be hurt in more ways than one. I am helpless to protect her.

IT ISN'T FAIR!

I want to scream that to the world, to _him_, but I can't, I can't, I can't...

It'll kill her. He'd go after her again, I'm sure. But, still...

It just isn't fair.

I love Tohru, there's no denying it. Her voice is that of an angel's, her face a gift from some deity or other, her body beautiful, and her personality...

No one can ever be half as good, as perfect, as she is.

It's no wonder that I love her.

She couldn't love me back, I know... She wouldn't shun me, but she would feel differently afterwards and...

I can't take that.

But I can take her presence, however rare and brief, and relish it.

But then I see it...

The scene plays before my eyes. I know what happened. I know what he did to her. He deserves nothing less than death for tainting such perfection with his evil...

I delve into her mind by mistake, and I see it. All of it. Playing over and over again. Her smile is fake now. What a beautiful smile she had...

I felt something was wrong with his aura, I sensed it. I hated him on sight, though I don't usually prejudge people. He felt... Wrong, and dirty, and evil. His waves were dark, clouded.

I kept silent. It wasn't my place to speak out. At the time, they were in love to all others. I assumed I was just jealous of him. Everyone else thought he was wonderful, funny even. Uo thought so too, laughing...

Oh, why didn't I just tell her? Now the guilt is ripping my soul to shreds, begging for forgiveness that I will never, can never ask for.

I could never willingly bring back that memory.

That monster raped her.

A monster, yes, what else could such a thing be called? His name was a lie, a deception. Only creatures with decent hearts and souls are worthy of being named.

He deserves to die.

But, no, I can't. I can't fry his brains out of his skull as I long to do so badly. I can't ask Uo to bash him to bits, break him apart, let me reach into his pooling blood to smear his heinous, sacrilegious crimes all over the walls.

She doesn't know.

Tohru told me first. Her trust in me was shocking. I didn't deserve it then and I still don't now.

I act alright, but inside I'm going insane. All I can ever think about is the unspoken crime committed against my angel. How could such a demon have been created, to go against the world's own living example that we could rise above our problems, we could live better, happier lives even though the world is constantly trying to bring us down. That we could see the good in everyone, everything, over the bad.

Condemn him to the darkest pit in the underworld!

I fear him, hate him, long for his death...

Still he lingers, even joking like all the others do about rape.

It isn't funny. It will never be funny. How can people joke about such a thing?

_Calm down! It's not like anyone is ever really raped anyway!_

Lies, all of it. They do get hurt like that. I zapped someone for joking about it, but Tohru asked me not to again. I cannot deny her. I would do anything she asked of me.

Even holding my tongue.

I cannot speak of this with anyone. No one else knows. I do not speak of it with Tohru. I could never do that.

But keeping my silence is driving me mad. My sanity is leaving more and more every second of every day.

But there is no way I could ever talk with anyone about this. They couldn't understand. I can. I understand myself well enough. I can tell it wasn't my fault that that monster did this to her with my brain, but my heart tells me I should've told her the moment I had a bad feeling.

May he never do this again. Please, God, look over Tohru. Watch over her. Her joy is dwindling... She's getting depressed... I fear that she...

That she might try to kill herself.

No, not Tohru... But she isn't Tohru any more. Now she's been tainted. Her light is half-and-half. She thinks less and less of herself. Her self-esteem is nearing nothing.

If she dies, I will join her.

After all, the moon cannot live without the sun.

I love her more than my life. Maybe, even if I go to the underworld, she will go where she truly belongs.

As heaven's highest angel.

My angel...

I want to cry, but people will ask questions...

Questions I can't answer.

The memory of what I saw in Tohru's thoughts plays again and again and again and...

SHUT UP! STOP IT!

I WANT TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT! LEAVE ME ALONE!!

The memory never stops, it's always there... I fail my classes in school. No matter, the make up tests are easier anyway.

The memory bothers me to no end, to be sure... But it must bother Tohru more. It happened to her. How can I feel self pity when faced with this?

I retreat into this world of crime in my mind, immersing myself in it's evil aura. I give in to the thoughts, no longer shoving them away. I imagine it in other ways, with other characters.

What if it had happened to me instead?

That would've been better. Tohru would be okay again, and...

No, no, don't think about yourself, Hana! Think about Tohru... Like always. It wouldn't matter if it happened to me... No one would know or I'd be dead. No matter.

I'm not as strong as Tohru. I couldn't live through something like that.

All night long I turn it over in my head. Only Tohru notices the bags that are forming under my eyes from little or no sleep over the past few weeks... Or are they months now? I mull it over again.

And again.

And again.

And again...

Once more, just once more and maybe I'll figure it out...

Why her? Why my precious angel Tohru?

WHY?!

It isn't fair, nothing is...

Again, again, maybe if I think it over again I can figure it out...

All I need is one more time...

Maybe another, but no more...

Wait, wait, that makes no sense, gotta ask again...

So I continue like this... Knowing, someday, I will snap and kill him before killing myself, and what scares me the most is...

I'm looking forward to it.

Condemn that monster of a human to the underworld. Let Kyo never see sunshine again.

After all, he stole mine from me, didn't he?

Owari

Sorry, I had to type that. I know I say I'll answer any question that you ask, but in this case... I may have to withhold some things.

Review, please?

Should I have a second chapter, maybe?


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own it, alright?

Time is acting so strangely. One moment, I'm at school beside my angel, the next I'm at home, sobbing inside, though the mask never leaves. No one at home understands what's going on, so it is ignored.

I feel worse than ever at a realization I made today. As Tohru was waving goodbye to me, her sleeve slipped...

And her wrist was covered in red stripes.

Did the world end and I wasn't aware of it? My heart stopped dead for a moment, but I kept silent. Talking would make her feel worse.

But why did that foul monster ever sully my dear, sweet guardian angel? Why did he harm her like that? How could this have happened?

Thankfully, there is no bulge in her stomach. She would never have an abortion, I know it. She would give up her future instead.

Her life would be ruined.

She's still living with him. Still staying in the same house as him, trying to appear normal near him, but...

I can see her knuckles turning white and her shaky smile, more fake than anything that I've ever seen. She's terrified, just like me.

More so, I'm certain.

He must have asked for forgiveness, because she's becoming friends with him again... The scars on her arms are fading as well, but does she no longer attack such an obvious place?

She's come back to me, quaking. He wants to talk to her alone in a building off to the side of the school. I speak my mind at last, telling her firmly to stay away. She listens.

I can sense that she needs a hug very badly. I long to hug her and make it all better, but it doesn't work like that. It never could. But I ask anyway, though Uo is nearby, and she says yes in a way that seems to me as though she was hoping someone would ask.

I love her more every day.

I still can't get over it, though. Why her? Of all people, why did that sad excuse for a living thing do this to _her_?!

I start to have daydreams of it being me instead. They come back several times a day. I wish with every fiber in my being that it had been me instead.

My mind is dark as it is, anything worse would hardly have made a dent, right? Her soul... For I can sense souls as well as waves, though it takes knowing someone for many years...

Before, it was a new soul, clean and impressionable. Soft, round, white. Gorgeous and pristine. Now...

It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.

It is dark, yet light, swirling in an orb that has been carved and stabbed repeatedly. The aura surrounding it is blue. I can hardly describe it well enough to convey its splendor.

But, each day, the light tints itself to be a tad bit darker...

I am afraid again.

It should've been me. If it had been me, things would be better right now.

Uo has been told. I was the one who said it, at Tohru's insistence. Her reaction was predictable enough.

More people are out for his blood now.

But all Tohru has to do is tell us to stop, and we do.

I talk to Uo, releasing my tortured thoughts from the past year. That probably saved my life.

If I hadn't spoken with her, in three more months I would have broken. I would have killed him in the most painful way possible (and believe me, I've thought long and hard about the worst ways to break someone) and smeared blood from what was left of his battered corpse and smeared it everywhere and then killed myself.

I had it all planned out, even.

I can never thank her enough for that.

Uo was so shocked that she hardly knew what to do. She couldn't understand why Tohru couldn't tell everyone what had happened.

Tohru is Tohru. I understand this well enough.

But every night I want to cry, to die, to live, everything at once, but nothing more, please...

I want to stop thinking. To rest my mind. To stop mulling it over.

I can't.

The line between reality and my daydreams is blurring. I almost thought it had been me instead of her. It hurt when reality came back to haunt me.

I wonder why it had been Kyo who had done it. He had seemed to love her, but... Maybe his emotions, he _is _always far too rash, got the best of him. I'll probably never really know.

I don't care so much, I just want to rest. I want it to be a nightmare. Please, God, if you're listening, take care of her.

I fear for her safety every moment of every day.

What if he goes after my beautiful sunbeam again? What if clouds cover her light forever?

I want to hold her and protect her from the darkness, but I'm too late. The darkness sought her out.

Uo should forget this all before it consumes her as well.

I feel sick to my stomach, to my soul. I want to throw up. I can barely eat.

But I put on appearances. No one must know anything is wrong. I hold it in as I have done since the incident.

What else can I do?

Owari

Alright, here's another chapter for you. Reviews? Please?


	3. Author's Note and Chapter 3

A/N I'm sorry that I never replied to anything in the reviews... I was concentrating on the story so much that I forgot. I'm sorry if what I wrote or how I wrote it displeases you, but, sad to say and I apologize yet again, I'm not writing this fic for the masses. I'm writing it for myself. I don't want to torture the characters any more than necessary. I have my own reasons for writing this, but I have tried to explain it as best I can.

I am really sorry. I can go back and edit my chapters so that I don't mention it's Kyo until later, but I thought this was going to be a one shot. I explained why I had it be Kyo (well, slightly), and I'll recap it here, just in case I forgot it somewhere along the line.

First off, I needed it to be someone that Tohru was in love with. Shigure doesn't fit in this category. Secondly, Hana needed to mention somewhere in the series/manga that she didn't like his waves. Kyo fits there, in the graveyard scene if I recall correctly. Finally, the rapist had to be brash at times, or at least able to go through with something like this when his mood swung that way. Yuki is too calm and passive for that. The only one left is Kyo, due to process of elimination.

No, Tohru will not be getting pregnant. I don't want her to have an abortion, or die in childbirth, which would be likely. If something happens, to my mind or inspiration, I may change this. Just so you know, I do not want to.

If two more people ask for her to be pregnant, I'll write a new fic. I hope this works. I'll put up another new chapter when I have time.

Thank you for reviewing!

EDIT: No Author's notes... I'll put the next chapter on this page as a precaution.

* * *

I was still in a state of shock. Where had it all gone wrong? What had happened to her?

Tohru had just told her that she was falling back in lost with the fiend who raped her. Said she was beginning to think it had all been just a big misunderstanding. That the monster was actually very kind, and thought she had wanted it.

I want to die. I thought I had finally gotten over being suicidal last year, after I first found out. She and Uo had healed my wounds, but now...

They are torn apart again.

I am so scared for her, I want to fall to my knees in all the sobs I've suppressed these last months, or has it been a year already?

No matter. Time is nothing.

Her self esteem is at an all-time low.

In my imagination, our roles are reversed. Save her from the pain, I beg to the past. But I can't. It isn't possible to undo something, no matter how badly I want to.

I dream of telling her that I love her, of letting her know that someone cares more about her than life itself. Maybe that would help, maybe it wouldn't. I have no way of knowing for sure. I can't take that big a risk with her.

In my prayers -- I only became religious to pray for her -- I always ask whatever God or Goddess there may be to watch over her, stop the cutting on her hips she told me about, to help her any way possible.

It isn't working.

The other day, in her fallen purse, there was a small blade, coated in blood. Instantly, I knew it was her blood that was left in a dried smear on it's sharpened edge.

My heart stopped, but I ignored it, ignored everything. I knew that she wouldn't want to cause a scene at school, and respected that. I was in too severe a state of shock to think clearly.

I can't take this much longer. It's far too hard.

Harder for her, I scold myself, it must be!

My thoughts are muddled, never leaving the topic of rape, even if my concentration has to split to do so.

I'm exhausted from the constant flip-flopping of emotions. Every time I'm happy, something happens to make me angry or sad, then, almost immediately, something good happen. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up, down. Up, down. Up, down, up, down. Updownupdownupdownupdownupdownupdown! My head is spinning. I'm well-rested, but always tired. I can't seem to get enough sleep to keep my eyes all the way open. Death, an eternal, infinite amount of time to rest and think, would be welcome.

But my death would kill Tohru.

I push the thoughts away, though they continue to berate me and badger me. No use to think of escaping from them. I've tried. I go online, a fake world, I listen to music so loud the world is drowned out, I daydream, I read, I sing til I want to burst, and I get criticized by my family, who I've disturbed.

They don't understand. All I want is an escape. If I don't escape to a counterfeit world, I may lose all forms of masks and grips on reality in this one.

No matter. My life is a nothingth, a speck on the backdrop of a thousand thousand lives. Meaningless.

I can't even help anyone, so what good am I?

* * *

A/N: Sorry if this was a bit more depressing than the others. Also, thank you last two for reviewing, otherwise I would've stopped the fic. My inspiration is fickle, so updates will probably be slow. Sorry!


	4. Chapter 4 and IMPORTANT Author's Note

**Important Author's Note at the end of this chapter!**

Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket.

* * *

Time has passed -- I don't think I could ever say how much -- and things have changed. Tohru, my beautiful angel, was sent away from us all by the head of the Sohma family. He wanted her to go to another school, to keep her away from Yuki and the monster. 

Tohru doesn't talk with us much anymore, but whenever I do hear from her, it's good news. She's met someone new -- I've never met them and I can't remember their name -- and she's stopped hurting herself. She's happy again, now, and I... I didn't help her get better.

Can you tell that I'm thinking differently now, after so many months of torture? That I don't scream at myself, try to convince myself to die in the false hopes that it will fix the world?

As I said before, time has passed and things have changed. Tohru is happy, I am happy... We did not end up together. I have a girlfriend -- I do not want to tell you much about her at this time -- who has helped to heal me. My Tohru was no longer mine or Tohru, and it was time to move on.

Uo? She's healthy, happier, and no longer out for the monster's blood except in jest. We aren't in the same class with the two boys anymore anyway, so we haven't much occasion to try and kill him.

We're all happy, if separate, school is getting easier again, and... Well, I suppose this is the closest we'll ever get to our 'happily ever after'.

For now, it's good enough.

* * *

**IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE**

_Why her?_ is now officially over. And I can now tell you about my Inspiration... My Tohru.

You see, this is a true story. Some events, all the names, and a few powers were changed to fit Fruits Basket a little better, but, other than that, this is the story of my life in ninth and tenth grade. I was Hana, one of my dearest friends was Tohru, and my best friend in the entire universe was Uo.

Surprised? I don't seem like I'd be suicidal for two straight years? Many others think that, though I'm only just now getting over it...

My Inspiration was sent to another school back in January '05. I couldn't add to this fan fiction until now, when the past was safely behind me. It's hard to talk about something that was literally killing you from the inside out.

I'm happy now. I don't think about hurting myself anymore. My dear Uo helped me... As did my girlfriend.

What, can't I have a girlfriend? We're madly in love, we've almost reached our seven month anniversary, and I'm way glad that my ex-boyfriend dumped me--

I'll shut up about that now, sorry. You don't need to know about my love life.

**Show of hands for those who thought this was only a fan fiction! nn**

Oh, and a big shout out to Uo... She saved my life. She kept me from actually attempting suicide several times, though she probably didn't know it. I can never thank her enough. Ever. I love her more than life itself; in a friendly way, of course.

Thank you to all who reviewed. I realize that it would seem odd to like having people review your life, but it was nice to have some fresh perspectives.

Though I was disgusted beyond all reason with the suggestion of 'Tohru' becoming pregnant... That hadn't occurred to me, oddly enough, and I was terrified that somehow the review would sway the favor of the universe towards making my 'Tohru' pregnant-- Yes, I was insane and paranoid as well as depressed in those days.

But I'm better now. Thank you if you read all this, I actually really appreciate it... It's like a confession, you feel so much lighter afterwards.

Have a brilliant day and a Merry New Year,

Morgan


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